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Friday, March 30th, 2007
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6:14 pm
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I get so angry so easily. I am one of those people who get blown off and next thing I know, my anger is out of control. I know I over analize. O know the things I think are never even close to reality. The answer is usually the simplest one, yet I always choose the most pessimistic option. thats who i am and I am ok with that.
But boys. I can't seem to actually take a reality check. its my blind spot, i so badly don't want to start ALL over again that i change my mind with the drop of a hat.
one minute I can have stewing anger, the next minute all I have to hear is a soft voice and a random text message and I am a goner. I immidiately forgive all sins and find myself caving in again.
I hate it. I can never seem to grow a spine.
Just once, I would LOVE to be able to say what is on my mind. Just once.
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| Monday, March 26th, 2007
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10:46 pm - this time of year
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birthdays are complicated for me. somehow i always start on a FANTASTIC note. and i always end frustrated and confused.
its been over two months, why dont i have a clue whats going on? i dont even care, i just like to know where i stand. GAH
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| Monday, February 19th, 2007
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11:16 pm - sticky situations
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Life is good right now. Friends are good. Family is good. Boys...well, I think it's getting good.
I am happy.
I dont think I have said that in a while. This weekend I went to visit my Chris and Caroline in SD. I missed them. Things are good. Brittany and I are very good. My mom and I are actually strangely well.
Relationships. Not just intimate relationships,just relationships in general. Its amazing how our relationship with others influences so much of our lives.
It feels good to be at this place right now. It just terrifies me that usually there is calm before the storm. I hope not. I dont think I can handle another storm right now
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| Wednesday, February 14th, 2007
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1:31 am - making sense
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I did something I am very proud of. I made up my mind. I decided to do something (or actually NOT to do something) that I have been battling a lot lately.
These last few weeks I have felt my friends re-judging me. Taking a step back and wondering when I got to be this way. I didn't like it. At all. This isn't like me. Maybe Senior year Brooke, but not these last 2 years. Something inside of me grew up and gave up those silly games. Out of nowhere, BOOM everything came right back as of late.
For Brittany and Mento, thank you for showing me that I don't have to look in the wrong places to feel loved. They were just looking out for me. And for that, I am proud of myself now.
side note: Britt. I LOVE that they broke up. It was a very nice episode indeed. LOL
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| Sunday, February 11th, 2007
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11:25 am - Rain Man
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I dont even care that I just washed my car. It is beautiful outside. It makes me just want to go get some cider, meet up with Britty and Rolo and go to the park. But, alas, I need to work instead.
Who wants to snuggle?
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| Saturday, February 10th, 2007
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10:56 am - confused
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what am I doing? this isnt like me, this is....i dont even know. I am sick of juggling. Not to mention when I got it down to two, one more throws itself in the mix.
I know none of you understand this, aside from maybe Brittany.
Right now I wish I had some kind of faith. Something to tell me to stop doing this. And something to tell me what the right decision is.
I just, all I want to do is curl up in a ball and sleep and hide. Yet somehow, I think that very soon I am going to have to make a very real decision. And unfortunately there will be two casualties along the way
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| Tuesday, January 9th, 2007
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3:26 pm - haircut
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Today.
I have work tonight. I am getting my haircut. I actually have makeup on. and a dress. and shaved.
all in all, i look pretty...well at least as decent as i can get.
and im wasting it on nothing.
work. lol
something needs to liven up around here. life is getting just a little too boring
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| Friday, January 5th, 2007
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6:02 pm - myspace blog
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High School
So, I was talking to Caroline this morning and she brought to my attention a story that happened last night. Its about how high school really is two different worlds.
Last night we were with our usual group. The guys. The kinda guys where a tiny little size two girl can walk up and they will talk to her for a few minutes. As soon as she walks away they all go off about "oh man she really let herself go!". Honestly, if I didnt love these guys to death, I would hate them. The one minute I start to think I am ok with how i look, they say crap like that and all self esteem goes down the shitter.
My friends, these guys, were the people I hated in high school. They were the guys in high school whom i detested for always having the tiny perfect girls, being popular, and driving around in their Lexus (all fo which are true by the way).
It sometimes makes me feel inadequate being their plain boring asexual sidekick.
back to my story.
last night caroline says something to one of our friends about how those girls were in her classes in h.s. our friend litterally didnt understand
the convo went something like this
"yea they were in my class"
"wait WHAT"
"in my class...in school"
"what?!"
"yea....in high school my class, my graduating class, my room class"
"wait...what?"
"oh my god, i had class with them!"
"wait....you went to my school!?"
"YES!"
here someone we spend every single night with didnt even know she was alive in their own school. he had no idea
it just reminded me how much high school is two different worlds. there are those that see and those that are seen. me and caroline, we have alwyas been those that see. nobody remembers us, nobody even knew who we were in high school. and those like our current friends, they cant even imagine the hell that they made high school for people like us.
now that im moving home, is that how school is going to be again? it terrifies me that I hve to see these people now that ive seen every day in high school, yet if asked my name, theyd say "brooke who?"
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| Sunday, December 31st, 2006
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6:21 pm - new years
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happy new years.
i am officially homeless tonight. haha jk. sorta. long story.
hmmm one piece of semi-exciting news, i got a new tree frog for Shrimmm to play with and his name is Jumbo Shrimmm. Or should I name him Bubba Gump? I cant decide.
i have a weird feeling about this new years. I dont know. I just....Im not really sure what I am doing tonight and that excites me yet terrifies me.
be safe everyone, if you need a ride at all call me cuz i dont think ill be drinking. please, call me if you need anything
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| Thursday, December 28th, 2006
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1:06 am - confused
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I am so confused lately. I find myself stressing and wondering about things that i already made an agreement withmyself to not worry about. but never the less, this is what i do
my computer is back for the time being.
weeeeeeeeeee
im so tired.
and i miss britty. and rollo.
and i hit my head today really hard and im terrified that my headache wont go away and that it isnt caused by the bump but by my neck pains instead. in which case i need surgery.
fuck
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| Monday, December 4th, 2006
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10:25 pm - he/she kitty
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would you like to hear a tale of probably the funniest thing mixed with the saddest thing ever. I mean its a pretty twisted mix of emotions.
Well I'm glad you asked....
So today Stephanie took her kitty to the vet to get spayed. I love the poor thing to death and love nothing more than cuddle up with Kitty every night after class, but sometimes she is sooooo hyper I can barely handle it.
Well, she goes to pick up a spayed kitty, and somehow returns with a castrated kitty instead. Yes, it turns out the entire time kitty had undesended testicles. HAHHAHAHA
I mean, its SO funny, yet so sad at the same time. Anywho, we now have a hermaphrodite kitty.
Is that not sick???
LOL poor thing has a big ol cone now and she/he keeps walking backwards to escape the cone. Its so sad, yet sooo very laughable
awww.....its a good thing its name is "kitty." oh man, how would you like it if you went in to get spayed, and got balls chopped off instead
prolly explains her/his behavior....
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| Thursday, November 30th, 2006
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12:50 am - High School
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You know, its funny but lately I feel so much like I am right back in high school. I hated high school. Alot. To me high school was like a bad made for tv mini series. Full of people I hated and was force to pretend I was not only aquaintances with, but friends with as well. Some of my friends were terrible liars, backstabbers, and i was honestly ok with the idea of leaving town forever. The people that surrounded me every day made me cringe. I hated our hierarchy. I hated being made feel like an idiot every day. I hated being ignored by people that thought they were better than me every day. High school made my life hell.
Its been nearly two years since i graduated. Ive lived a life far away as planned. I have a great apartment. 97% of my current friends didnt even know me my senior year. These days I have My beach boys in San Diego whom I owe everything to, and when I go home I have the Islands crew, The Hidden Crew, my ex's old friends, and brittany who is my sanity. Thats it, I dont see anyone else these days. Things were going according to plan. I had gotten rid of high school brooke in nearly every way possible.
I dont know when all the careful planning and outlining fell away. Somehow in the midst of it all everything faded away into a dark abyss and I may never find it again.
In 2 weeks and one day I will be moving home for good. Ive had enough of san diego. The people (aside from christopher and jesse) in san diego cant hold a convorsation worth a damn. However home, well things fall into place.
I am jut not sure if I can deal with it. I havent even moved home yet, but somehow just visiting recently has proved to me I will be right back where I was sophmore year. I keep running into everyone i planned on not seeing in years, or ever. I am seeing cliques of people again, I havent seen that in 2 years.
Its not even that, but lately I have been dealing with the EPITOME of my canyon years. Im not going to get into that subject, but, well its stressing me out to be reliving (or living) my past ive so carefully constructed avoiding.
I just, I dont know if i can do this. Im not sure if i am strong enough to brave that world again, a world where cool cars are important, designer jeans are a must, and cattiness is a given.
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| Friday, November 17th, 2006
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10:25 am - two things:
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I have a few things to say here today
1st of all lets start with the fact that i am becoming an old fart. Goodness. Yesterday I was asked to be in my friends wedding. This friend has been by my side many many years and I treasure his friendship very much. The kicker here tho, is that for two years he clamied he was "in love" with me, would ask me out constantly, and basically he always tried to be more than friends. i never felt that way, but it was nice to know someone cared about me. And now he is getting married. married? he is so young, i want to tell him he is making a huge mistake, but good friends cant do that without risking loss of friendship. which brings me to this point, what if I had said Yes just once when he asked me out. where would i be, where would he be? oh life, so much to ponder
next, the topic of another relationship. I used to write about him, I used to date him i guess. and then i realized he uses people and had come to a conclusion he is a horrible person. Its all in this lj, not even THAT long ago. he is the king of "dating" but no relationships. then why is it now he can be in one with one of my close friends? what made her different. and why does it have to be my friend. "myspace ruins lives", more true than anyone can predict....."in a relationship". what the hell. why am i always "that girl", the one who is dated but never serious with? what the hell is wrong with ME?
And finally, speaking of boy bullshit, i am DONE. Im sick of hearing guys tell me they will call me later that night to hang out, and never doing so. I am sick of being tricked and used. I thought I found nice one to hang out with, one that was actually a GOOD guy. Im starting to think i was very very wrong.
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| Sunday, November 12th, 2006
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1:53 am - I can't decide
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...if I am a terrible terrible person, or a freakin genious. Either way, that paper is ALOT easier with that poll in there.
Don't ask, its just rambling about a 10 page paper Ive been working on. Its boring and making me go slightly insane.
HAHA
Back to work...
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| Thursday, November 2nd, 2006
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10:11 pm - I am Christopher Columbus.
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Today I made a discovery. A grand discovery. I have discovered that Christopher and I are an old married couple. Its terrible in a way.
For example...
Today I decided that I was tired and it was cold out. Of course this spurs on a huge desire to be wrapped in sweats, watch a movie, and eat lots of soup. Chris agrees with me on every one of these. So we decide that after class and whatnot I was going to go over to his beach house and make my moms famous soup. Of course wearing pj's only and renting as many feel good movies as possible. I bought baugettes. And cooked.
Then it hit me. We are a boring old married couple. We even have the sexless marriage with the chippy young girl on the side HAHA. Haha Caroline says that Chris and I are her favorite pair of friends.
Actually tho i am SO excited for his gf Keli to come in town next weekend. she is freaking so much fun.
Oh well, we decided if we are 50 and alone we are getting in a real sexless marriage of our own HAHA.
That is of course after my deal with Roland when we are 34 years old. HAHA.
Soup was delicious.
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| Tuesday, October 31st, 2006
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11:12 pm - Its been a while
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Im sitting here watching Sex and the City on tv and suddenly I have come to realize, has tv and movies ruined my idea of romance? I mean really, we grow up watching Beauty and the Beast, Cinderella, Friends. Whats the common denominator? They all live happily ever after. I used to be a love cynic. I used to think love and relationships were kidding themselves into believeing another person really could make them happy. And then I thought I fell in love...twice.
Looking back now I am pretty sure I was kidding myself. I loved the idea of love. The first time we were just good friends who decided that being in a relationship was an ok idea. To this day I kinda forget we went out, I think we were just friends. Who knows. The 2nd time I thought I fell in love I grew to hate him. Often. It wasnt a relationship, it was a series of childish games we played back and forth. I dont even know what that relationship was. I thought it was my 1st real grownup relationship. I soon discovered that it was probably the farthest from it. It was the most immature relationship, as well as unhealthy.
But here is where my realization came in...I always used to blame them, say it was all their fault. I ended things every time. But now, well, I think its me. Its my fault. Obviously if I havent found it yet then I am the problem. I hate myself for this, but I hate this feeling of alone. All I wanted to do was get out of them, but now, its winter. All I want to do is wrap up in a scarf, drink cider, and cuddle on the sofa watching Elf with a genuinly nice guy.
I always end up with assholes. I do. Im notoriously known for it. Why is that? The funny thing is, not all of them started out that way. Travis for example, I mean I picked him specifically BECAUSE he was one of the good guys. He brought my flowers and said nice things. He couldnt hurt me. He ended up being the worst kind. The kind that swept me by surprise when his real personality shown through, becuase I honestly had no idea. Expecially when you find out that those great surprising flowers were indeed more tainted than any upfront asshole coulda done. He asked the flower cashier out while buying me flowers. He asked her to a party that night as soon as he "dropped the flowers off for mom" or whatever the hell he said exactly. I am a magnet.
God, I really hope its them and not me.
Oh well, one day maybe Disney movies will work out for me, maybe I will end up with my best friend as a soul mate, and maybe once just maybe Ill find a genuinly good guy.
On a totally different note I am moving back to orange county in a few months. For good. I know that nobody really reads this anymore so I feel ok announcing this. I dont want anyone to know, I just kinda want to show up at school and hope that nobody notices. I just, Im tired of it here. It isnt working in the least. I just....i dont know. If it wasnt for the lease on my apt I would actually be back for good in this December. So...yea...surpise. Im not sure how I feel about that decision. Happy I think, I miss home.
One more random note aside, I was in town for Noah's party (bartender at Islands)....120 people. open bar. amazing. Lets just say that the evening went very very unexpectidly. I just....wow I didnt see that coming. But I am damn glad that it did. Gives me a little something to smile about for a while.Its a good thing..I think.
Im smiling right now, so thats good...right?
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| Friday, July 21st, 2006
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7:51 pm
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its been a longgggggggggg week
single again
i feel lost
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| Monday, June 19th, 2006
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2:00 am
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I never knew there was a difference in the way your eyes look after crying durring the notebook, and in cryng from being truely hurt
my eyes look more tired than the usual puffyness
i dont recognize this face
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| Tuesday, May 30th, 2006
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11:31 am - in the words on Jon and Christi "SUSHI!"
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So I am sitting in my room. A crap pile of a mess, if you will. My mother banned me up here to try and make a dent in this thing. Saddly I have been moving boxes out for almost an hour now and i personally know that iv made a huge dent, however it looks exactly the same. this to me is a wee bit depresssing
So now i shall take a break to listen to Queen and David Bowie sing to me Under Pressure
Tivo is a beautiful thing. It records shit it thinks ill like. freakin amazing. steph, i know u dont read this, but we need to get tivo in our apt. I just watched a tivo recorded episode of "that 70s show" halloweeen episode. I swear they wrote it FOR me. It not only featured Rocky Horror Picture Show in Fez form. But the entire episode was made around differnt famous Alfered Hitchcock movies. Vertigo, North by Northwest, Psycho, The Birds, How to Catch a Thief, and my favorite..Rear Window. It saddens me to hear the audiences weak laughs, this shows to me the sad state our youth is in, since i KNOW that they have no idea who alfred hitchcock is, much less be able to indentify ANY movies other than psycho in there. I mean it was an exact replica of all those movies, and their laughter just proved they were thinking "wtf is this, this is weird shit" not realizing the point of it. How sad. If any of you reading this have never seen every single one of the movies mentioned above, i suggest you do so immidiatly or i might shoot you in the labia. seroiusly. Anywho, atleast to me, (someone who watches more old movies than new ones) it was genious.i bet the cast had no idea what they were even doing. how sad.
Its summer break, im about 2 weeks in already. its going by fast. Probably cuz im working a million hours a week already. o well, my schedual next week is amazingly kick ass. It helps to have seniority somewhere.
geez i cant believe i used to write in this thing at LEAST once a day. Sheesh. i really didnt have a life did i. haha altho i wasnt the only one. i remember when i used to be best friends with dale. we refused to miss a post, i remember sometimes hed even call me to have me make a post for him if he couldnt. hehe i miss those days. i dont know what days im refering to, dale, high school, job-less, whatever. i just....i dunno, things are so much differnt now. I dont even see the people i was friends with in high school anymore. I mean yea i see a few, I mean brittany is still my numba one and etc, but really, i mean i duuno. it makes me wonder. if a year ago i had never met travis totally randomly at 2am at nikkis house (who i rarely saw so it was SO random) then i never woulda gotten close with dom. in turn i never woulda been close with that entire crew (including my ryan mistakes), then i never woulda met Brittany W. who re-united me with travis again btw and she met travis and jerad through me and never woulda broken travis and Jerad up for as long as they did. but most importantly i never woulda met Stephy, my other best friend aside from Brit. Who saved me from returning to home 2nd semester. I mean, its funny but he really did inadvertantly introduce me to 90% of the people i see now. the butterfly effect. one wrong turn and id be somewhere TOTALLY different. Strange....
current music: Under Pressure by Queen and David Bowie
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| Saturday, May 27th, 2006
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7:25 pm - Mmmmm yummy
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Mmm so my fridge in the house has leaked for days and we just discovered it. To make a long story short, our wood is soggy, our carpet is ruined, and under the stairs is wet and destroyed. Its a mess
I love the smell of wet wood and all that jazz. alot alot.
i know its weird
on another note, i hung out with Garrett bell the other day. it was awesome, i havent seen that kid in 8 years. we used to be best friends. yes yesssssssss. we went to the abyss and drank coffee. i hope we hang again soon. good memories
travis moves tomorrow. im sadder than i thought id be
alot
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