I don't know why you are reading this...

Sat, 31 Mar 2007 01:14:47 GMT

I get so angry so easily. I am one of those people who get blown off and next thing I know, my anger is out of control. I know I over analize. O know the things I think are never even close to reality. The answer is usually the simplest one, yet I always choose the most pessimistic option. thats who i am and I am ok with that.

But boys. I can't seem to actually take a reality check. its my blind spot, i so badly don't want to start ALL over again that i change my mind with the drop of a hat.

one minute I can have stewing anger, the next minute all I have to hear is a soft voice and a random text message and I am a goner. I immidiately forgive all sins and find myself caving in again.

I hate it. I can never seem to grow a spine.

Just once, I would LOVE to be able to say what is on my mind. Just once.

this time of year

Tue, 27 Mar 2007 05:46:02 GMT

birthdays are complicated for me. somehow i always start on a FANTASTIC note. and i always end frustrated and confused.

its been over two months, why dont i have a clue whats going on? i dont even care, i just like to know where i stand. GAH

sticky situations

Tue, 20 Feb 2007 06:16:19 GMT

Life is good right now. Friends are good. Family is good. Boys...well, I think it's getting good.

I am happy.

I dont think I have said that in a while. This weekend I went to visit my Chris and Caroline in SD. I missed them. Things are good. Brittany and I are very good. My mom and I are actually strangely well.

Relationships. Not just intimate relationships,just relationships in general. Its amazing how our relationship with others influences so much of our lives.

It feels good to be at this place right now. It just terrifies me that usually there is calm before the storm. I hope not. I dont think I can handle another storm right now

making sense

Wed, 14 Feb 2007 08:31:52 GMT

I did something I am very proud of. I made up my mind. I decided to do something (or actually NOT to do something) that I have been battling a lot lately.

These last few weeks I have felt my friends re-judging me. Taking a step back and wondering when I got to be this way. I didn't like it. At all. This isn't like me. Maybe Senior year Brooke, but not these last 2 years. Something inside of me grew up and gave up those silly games. Out of nowhere, BOOM everything came right back as of late.

For Brittany and Mento, thank you for showing me that I don't have to look in the wrong places to feel loved. They were just looking out for me. And for that, I am proud of myself now.

side note: Britt. I LOVE that they broke up. It was a very nice episode indeed. LOL

Rain Man

Sun, 11 Feb 2007 18:25:24 GMT

I dont even care that I just washed my car. It is beautiful outside. It makes me just want to go get some cider, meet up with Britty and Rolo and go to the park. But, alas, I need to work instead.

Who wants to snuggle?

confused

Sat, 10 Feb 2007 17:56:20 GMT

what am I doing? this isnt like me, this is....i dont even know. I am sick of juggling. Not to mention when I got it down to two, one more throws itself in the mix.

I know none of you understand this, aside from maybe Brittany.

Right now I wish I had some kind of faith. Something to tell me to stop doing this. And something to tell me what the right decision is.

I just, all I want to do is curl up in a ball and sleep and hide. Yet somehow, I think that very soon I am going to have to make a very real decision. And unfortunately there will be two casualties along the way

haircut

Tue, 09 Jan 2007 22:26:29 GMT

Today.

I have work tonight. I am getting my haircut. I actually have makeup on. and a dress. and shaved.

all in all, i look pretty...well at least as decent as i can get.

and im wasting it on nothing.

work. lol

something needs to liven up around here. life is getting just a little too boring

myspace blog

Sat, 06 Jan 2007 01:02:43 GMT

High School

So, I was talking to Caroline this morning and she brought to my attention a story that happened last night. Its about how high school really is two different worlds.

Last night we were with our usual group. The guys. The kinda guys where a tiny little size two girl can walk up and they will talk to her for a few minutes. As soon as she walks away they all go off about "oh man she really let herself go!". Honestly, if I didnt love these guys to death, I would hate them. The one minute I start to think I am ok with how i look, they say crap like that and all self esteem goes down the shitter.

My friends, these guys, were the people I hated in high school. They were the guys in high school whom i detested for always having the tiny perfect girls, being popular, and driving around in their Lexus (all fo which are true by the way).

It sometimes makes me feel inadequate being their plain boring asexual sidekick.

back to my story.

last night caroline says something to one of our friends about how those girls were in her classes in h.s. our friend litterally didnt understand
the convo went something like this

"yea they were in my class"
"wait WHAT"
"in my class...in school"
"what?!"
"yea....in high school my class, my graduating class, my room class"
"wait...what?"
"oh my god, i had class with them!"
"wait....you went to my school!?"
"YES!"

here someone we spend every single night with didnt even know she was alive in their own school. he had no idea

it just reminded me how much high school is two different worlds. there are those that see and those that are seen. me and caroline, we have alwyas been those that see. nobody remembers us, nobody even knew who we were in high school. and those like our current friends, they cant even imagine the hell that they made high school for people like us.

now that im moving home, is that how school is going to be again? it terrifies me that I hve to see these people now that ive seen every day in high school, yet if asked my name, theyd say "brooke who?"

new years

Mon, 01 Jan 2007 01:21:42 GMT

happy new years.

i am officially homeless tonight. haha jk. sorta. long story.

hmmm one piece of semi-exciting news, i got a new tree frog for Shrimmm to play with and his name is Jumbo Shrimmm. Or should I name him Bubba Gump? I cant decide.

i have a weird feeling about this new years. I dont know. I just....Im not really sure what I am doing tonight and that excites me yet terrifies me.

be safe everyone, if you need a ride at all call me cuz i dont think ill be drinking. please, call me if you need anything

confused

Thu, 28 Dec 2006 08:06:21 GMT

I am so confused lately. I find myself stressing and wondering about things that i already made an agreement withmyself to not worry about. but never the less, this is what i do

my computer is back for the time being.

weeeeeeeeeee

im so tired.
and i miss britty. and rollo.

and i hit my head today really hard and im terrified that my headache wont go away and that it isnt caused by the bump but by my neck pains instead. in which case i need surgery.

fuck

he/she kitty

Tue, 05 Dec 2006 05:25:48 GMT

would you like to hear a tale of probably the funniest thing mixed with the saddest thing ever. I mean its a pretty twisted mix of emotions.

Well I'm glad you asked....

So today Stephanie took her kitty to the vet to get spayed. I love the poor thing to death and love nothing more than cuddle up with Kitty every night after class, but sometimes she is sooooo hyper I can barely handle it.

Well, she goes to pick up a spayed kitty, and somehow returns with a castrated kitty instead. Yes, it turns out the entire time kitty had undesended testicles. HAHHAHAHA

I mean, its SO funny, yet so sad at the same time. Anywho, we now have a hermaphrodite kitty.

Is that not sick???

LOL poor thing has a big ol cone now and she/he keeps walking backwards to escape the cone. Its so sad, yet sooo very laughable

awww.....its a good thing its name is "kitty." oh man, how would you like it if you went in to get spayed, and got balls chopped off instead

prolly explains her/his behavior....

High School

Thu, 30 Nov 2006 07:50:13 GMT

You know, its funny but lately I feel so much like I am right back in high school. I hated high school. Alot. To me high school was like a bad made for tv mini series. Full of people I hated and was force to pretend I was not only aquaintances with, but friends with as well. Some of my friends were terrible liars, backstabbers, and i was honestly ok with the idea of leaving town forever. The people that surrounded me every day made me cringe. I hated our hierarchy. I hated being made feel like an idiot every day. I hated being ignored by people that thought they were better than me every day. High school made my life hell.

Its been nearly two years since i graduated. Ive lived a life far away as planned. I have a great apartment. 97% of my current friends didnt even know me my senior year. These days I have My beach boys in San Diego whom I owe everything to, and when I go home I have the Islands crew, The Hidden Crew, my ex's old friends, and brittany who is my sanity. Thats it, I dont see anyone else these days. Things were going according to plan. I had gotten rid of high school brooke in nearly every way possible.

I dont know when all the careful planning and outlining fell away. Somehow in the midst of it all everything faded away into a dark abyss and I may never find it again.

In 2 weeks and one day I will be moving home for good. Ive had enough of san diego. The people (aside from christopher and jesse) in san diego cant hold a convorsation worth a damn. However home, well things fall into place.

I am jut not sure if I can deal with it. I havent even moved home yet, but somehow just visiting recently has proved to me I will be right back where I was sophmore year. I keep running into everyone i planned on not seeing in years, or ever. I am seeing cliques of people again, I havent seen that in 2 years.

Its not even that, but lately I have been dealing with the EPITOME of my canyon years. Im not going to get into that subject, but, well its stressing me out to be reliving (or living) my past ive so carefully constructed avoiding.

I just, I dont know if i can do this. Im not sure if i am strong enough to brave that world again, a world where cool cars are important, designer jeans are a must, and cattiness is a given.

two things:

Fri, 17 Nov 2006 17:25:16 GMT

I have a few things to say here today

1st of all lets start with the fact that i am becoming an old fart. Goodness. Yesterday I was asked to be in my friends wedding. This friend has been by my side many many years and I treasure his friendship very much. The kicker here tho, is that for two years he clamied he was "in love" with me, would ask me out constantly, and basically he always tried to be more than friends. i never felt that way, but it was nice to know someone cared about me. And now he is getting married. married? he is so young, i want to tell him he is making a huge mistake, but good friends cant do that without risking loss of friendship. which brings me to this point, what if I had said Yes just once when he asked me out. where would i be, where would he be? oh life, so much to ponder

next, the topic of another relationship. I used to write about him, I used to date him i guess. and then i realized he uses people and had come to a conclusion he is a horrible person. Its all in this lj, not even THAT long ago. he is the king of "dating" but no relationships. then why is it now he can be in one with one of my close friends? what made her different. and why does it have to be my friend. "myspace ruins lives", more true than anyone can predict....."in a relationship". what the hell. why am i always "that girl", the one who is dated but never serious with? what the hell is wrong with ME?

And finally, speaking of boy bullshit, i am DONE. Im sick of hearing guys tell me they will call me later that night to hang out, and never doing so. I am sick of being tricked and used. I thought I found nice one to hang out with, one that was actually a GOOD guy. Im starting to think i was very very wrong.

I can't decide

Sun, 12 Nov 2006 08:53:05 GMT

...if I am a terrible terrible person, or a freakin genious. Either way, that paper is ALOT easier with that poll in there.

Don't ask, its just rambling about a 10 page paper Ive been working on. Its boring and making me go slightly insane.

HAHA

Back to work...

I am Christopher Columbus.

Fri, 03 Nov 2006 05:11:55 GMT

Today I made a discovery. A grand discovery. I have discovered that Christopher and I are an old married couple. Its terrible in a way.

For example...

Today I decided that I was tired and it was cold out. Of course this spurs on a huge desire to be wrapped in sweats, watch a movie, and eat lots of soup. Chris agrees with me on every one of these. So we decide that after class and whatnot I was going to go over to his beach house and make my moms famous soup. Of course wearing pj's only and renting as many feel good movies as possible. I bought baugettes. And cooked.

Then it hit me. We are a boring old married couple. We even have the sexless marriage with the chippy young girl on the side HAHA. Haha Caroline says that Chris and I are her favorite pair of friends.

Actually tho i am SO excited for his gf Keli to come in town next weekend. she is freaking so much fun.

Oh well, we decided if we are 50 and alone we are getting in a real sexless marriage of our own HAHA.

That is of course after my deal with Roland when we are 34 years old. HAHA.

Soup was delicious.

Its been a while

Wed, 01 Nov 2006 06:12:06 GMT

Im sitting here watching Sex and the City on tv and suddenly I have come to realize, has tv and movies ruined my idea of romance? I mean really, we grow up watching Beauty and the Beast, Cinderella, Friends. Whats the common denominator? They all live happily ever after. I used to be a love cynic. I used to think love and relationships were kidding themselves into believeing another person really could make them happy. And then I thought I fell in love...twice.

Looking back now I am pretty sure I was kidding myself. I loved the idea of love. The first time we were just good friends who decided that being in a relationship was an ok idea. To this day I kinda forget we went out, I think we were just friends. Who knows. The 2nd time I thought I fell in love I grew to hate him. Often. It wasnt a relationship, it was a series of childish games we played back and forth. I dont even know what that relationship was. I thought it was my 1st real grownup relationship. I soon discovered that it was probably the farthest from it. It was the most immature relationship, as well as unhealthy.

But here is where my realization came in...I always used to blame them, say it was all their fault. I ended things every time. But now, well, I think its me. Its my fault. Obviously if I havent found it yet then I am the problem. I hate myself for this, but I hate this feeling of alone. All I wanted to do was get out of them, but now, its winter. All I want to do is wrap up in a scarf, drink cider, and cuddle on the sofa watching Elf with a genuinly nice guy.

I always end up with assholes. I do. Im notoriously known for it. Why is that? The funny thing is, not all of them started out that way. Travis for example, I mean I picked him specifically BECAUSE he was one of the good guys. He brought my flowers and said nice things. He couldnt hurt me. He ended up being the worst kind. The kind that swept me by surprise when his real personality shown through, becuase I honestly had no idea. Expecially when you find out that those great surprising flowers were indeed more tainted than any upfront asshole coulda done. He asked the flower cashier out while buying me flowers. He asked her to a party that night as soon as he "dropped the flowers off for mom" or whatever the hell he said exactly. I am a magnet.

God, I really hope its them and not me.

Oh well, one day maybe Disney movies will work out for me, maybe I will end up with my best friend as a soul mate, and maybe once just maybe Ill find a genuinly good guy.

On a totally different note I am moving back to orange county in a few months. For good. I know that nobody really reads this anymore so I feel ok announcing this. I dont want anyone to know, I just kinda want to show up at school and hope that nobody notices. I just, Im tired of it here. It isnt working in the least. I just....i dont know. If it wasnt for the lease on my apt I would actually be back for good in this December. So...yea...surpise. Im not sure how I feel about that decision. Happy I think, I miss home.

One more random note aside, I was in town for Noah's party (bartender at Islands)....120 people. open bar. amazing. Lets just say that the evening went very very unexpectidly. I just....wow I didnt see that coming. But I am damn glad that it did. Gives me a little something to smile about for a while.Its a good thing..I think.

Im smiling right now, so thats good...right?

Sat, 22 Jul 2006 02:51:15 GMT

its been a longgggggggggg week

single again

i feel lost

Mon, 19 Jun 2006 09:00:04 GMT

I never knew there was a difference in the way your eyes look after crying durring the notebook, and in cryng from being truely hurt

my eyes look more tired than the usual puffyness

i dont recognize this face

in the words on Jon and Christi "SUSHI!"

Tue, 30 May 2006 18:49:10 GMT

So I am sitting in my room. A crap pile of a mess, if you will. My mother banned me up here to try and make a dent in this thing. Saddly I have been moving boxes out for almost an hour now and i personally know that iv made a huge dent, however it looks exactly the same. this to me is a wee bit depresssing

So now i shall take a break to listen to Queen and David Bowie sing to me Under Pressure

Tivo is a beautiful thing. It records shit it thinks ill like. freakin amazing. steph, i know u dont read this, but we need to get tivo in our apt. I just watched a tivo recorded episode of "that 70s show" halloweeen episode. I swear they wrote it FOR me. It not only featured Rocky Horror Picture Show in Fez form. But the entire episode was made around differnt famous Alfered Hitchcock movies. Vertigo, North by Northwest, Psycho, The Birds, How to Catch a Thief, and my favorite..Rear Window. It saddens me to hear the audiences weak laughs, this shows to me the sad state our youth is in, since i KNOW that they have no idea who alfred hitchcock is, much less be able to indentify ANY movies other than psycho in there. I mean it was an exact replica of all those movies, and their laughter just proved they were thinking "wtf is this, this is weird shit" not realizing the point of it. How sad. If any of you reading this have never seen every single one of the movies mentioned above, i suggest you do so immidiatly or i might shoot you in the labia. seroiusly. Anywho, atleast to me, (someone who watches more old movies than new ones) it was genious.i bet the cast had no idea what they were even doing. how sad.

Its summer break, im about 2 weeks in already. its going by fast. Probably cuz im working a million hours a week already. o well, my schedual next week is amazingly kick ass. It helps to have seniority somewhere.

geez i cant believe i used to write in this thing at LEAST once a day. Sheesh. i really didnt have a life did i. haha altho i wasnt the only one. i remember when i used to be best friends with dale. we refused to miss a post, i remember sometimes hed even call me to have me make a post for him if he couldnt. hehe i miss those days. i dont know what days im refering to, dale, high school, job-less, whatever. i just....i dunno, things are so much differnt now. I dont even see the people i was friends with in high school anymore. I mean yea i see a few, I mean brittany is still my numba one and etc, but really, i mean i duuno. it makes me wonder. if a year ago i had never met travis totally randomly at 2am at nikkis house (who i rarely saw so it was SO random) then i never woulda gotten close with dom. in turn i never woulda been close with that entire crew (including my ryan mistakes), then i never woulda met Brittany W. who re-united me with travis again btw and she met travis and jerad through me and never woulda broken travis and Jerad up for as long as they did. but most importantly i never woulda met Stephy, my other best friend aside from Brit. Who saved me from returning to home 2nd semester. I mean, its funny but he really did inadvertantly introduce me to 90% of the people i see now. the butterfly effect. one wrong turn and id be somewhere TOTALLY different. Strange....

Mmmmm yummy

Sun, 28 May 2006 02:26:15 GMT

Mmm so my fridge in the house has leaked for days and we just discovered it. To make a long story short, our wood is soggy, our carpet is ruined, and under the stairs is wet and destroyed. Its a mess

I love the smell of wet wood and all that jazz. alot alot.

i know its weird

on another note, i hung out with Garrett bell the other day. it was awesome, i havent seen that kid in 8 years. we used to be best friends. yes yesssssssss. we went to the abyss and drank coffee. i hope we hang again soon. good memories

travis moves tomorrow. im sadder than i thought id be

alot

rain rain

Mon, 22 May 2006 08:55:43 GMT

It is raining outside, im pretty much obsessed.
probably one of the most beautiful things in the world

it was raining a little last night too

all my best memories happen in the rain
it was not an exception to the rule

had a great talk with someone today. she is my best friend. i love her/

im glad everything is fixed

see...its the rain...

Today

Sat, 20 May 2006 19:07:48 GMT

Today is Sat and I feel like i have already been in summer a week.
p.s. saw da vinci code last night with Stephypoo and I need to say that it was freakin amazing. haha there was a crazy woman outside with a giant picture of the MOna Lisa in the back of her truck abd she had written on it "Know the REAL truth" or something like that and was handing out anti-movie fliers. I now am the proud owner of a picture of this on my phone. yes, very true.

Before that of course I FINALLY got to see my lovely Brit(t) at Jamba Juice in Orange. Missed that chickee. what are best friends for right? we hung but saddly didnt get much time. then proceeded to Travis's to chill a bit, then met up with steph. Luis ended up dirving down from SD to see her, he and a few of his friends, came with us to Travis's kickback. I think its ironic that im the only one who DIDNT crash there...then again its not like i was drinking or anything, unlike all of them

u know, i really dont know why i bother to write about what i did, i mean i know u guys def dont give a crap, but i do. i think its more of a matter of when im nice and old, i want to be able to lookback and see who i knew at what time. i know it sounds silly also, but iv done this a million times.like i wanted to know the date of a vertain event and my lj posts actually give me good estimate. so HA. haha ya

as for today? I need to go buy a birthday gift for NIkki and go to her bonfire and a post-prom party.hahaha o shutup.

so im excited, one of my best friends from my childhood is finally in town for the summer. u dont even know how much this excites me. i miss this kidoo. and it totally is awesome that hes gonna work at dland, cuz we all know that i freakin live there on an almost daily basis.this will be a fun summer, i just know it

ok this was the most boring and pointless post ever. i kinda just wanted to put something just for the sake of updating

btw Stephypoo totally RAPED me last night. in the butt. HAHA i love her

lllllllllllllllllllllaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

Thu, 18 May 2006 05:32:02 GMT

Its funny, you can life an entire year in the same room with someone and yet have absolutly no bond at all. Today, Cortney was moving out and her family was here helping her. Her mom and i talked quite a bit, and i honest to god fully believe her and i said more in that one convo than cortney and i have said the entire year. no joke at all. and this makes me sad

when they were leaving for good, cortneys mom walked over and gave me a big ol hug and said goodbye and keep in touch. cortney and i just looked at each other and im like "ok take care..." and shes like "ya you too"....officially making that the longest sentence she has EVER said to me. depressing. I dunno, I guess she just never liked me. O well, she isnt coming back next year. its just weird to know that i know the exact schedual of someone, their favorite foods, fav movies, tv shows, time they sleep and shower breathing patterns, every freakin thing, yet know NOTHING about them. i mean, i seroiusly know more about the lives of my worst ememys. its not that we hated anything like that, its just that we litterally had the ONLY bond of sharing similar air.

Hey, I tried. Often

O well, Im exhausted, tomorrow is my last final. My dad is getting here early in the morning, so i need to finish packing and sleep.

nite folks

i really need to be home tomorrow.
i cant wait

ahhhhh this weekened is gonna kick ass

cant wait to play with travis stephy and luis on friday

and travis nikki and kyle on sat

hehe. im happy

btw, brit(t) i know u read this, do u wanna see da vinci code early friday? cuz im soooooooo stoked and i wanna see it with you

Wed, 17 May 2006 03:27:06 GMT

I leave this hell on thursday. finally. just one more final and a shitload of packing to do. its a shame i havent started studying at all yet. Yea I suck

Get this, so im talking to Travis on text (hes at work) and randomly Ryan gives me a text. And heres the kicker, I answered back. No worries, I am not being nice, but still, what the hell is wrong with me. I mean, I still hate him, so no worries there, but this is bad. I mean if travis finds out i was talking to that asshole, then he is gonna get SO mad at me. I mean like huge fight. Arg this sucks. Why did i have to pick up the phone. shitttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttt

on other notes. cramps suck balls

ahhhh cant wait till this weekend. Nikki's bonfire. Trav's kickback. Da Vinci Code. Amazing shit.

the last straw

Sat, 13 May 2006 01:32:32 GMT

What the FUCK is wrong with my god damn family?!

ok i thought it was bad enought when a few weeks ago i get a random call from my mom saying

"I dont wanna worry you but Im goin in for surgery tomorrow...."
"what WHY?!"
"well i might have breast cancer and they are gonna take out some lumps...i didnt wanna worry you!"

ok i thought THAT as bad enough, who tells their daughter the day of surgery that they "might have some cancer". I mean CMON!

AND NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i CALL my mother and i hear weird loudspeakers and whatnot and she sounds all weird, so after like 30 min of tlaking to her and asking whats wrong, i finally drag it out of her.
"well this weekend your grandma had a 'bit of a stroke'"
WTF!? how do u not mention something like that. and how the HELL do u get a 'bit of a stroke'...thats like saying someone "caught a touch of the aids" or soemthing. are u fucking kidding me with this bullshit!? i mean really now. and heres the kicker....my mom told everyone to not tell me until i get back home in a week so they wouldnt stress me out over finals! so then she goes on and on about how its no big deal and it wasnt even bad and they didnt even realize it was a stroke blah blah blah....and i later find out thats a total lie. her fucking face was half paralized and her words are all slurred and she cant talk. good god. i HATE this bullshit!!!!!!!!FUCK!

im sick of it. my family is so god damn dysfunctional and secretive. i find out family skeletons all the time. Im sick of finding out through the grapevine anything. and THEN my mom has the audacity to get pissed at me when i dont tell her every effing detail in my life. its no wonder she had no idea what the hell is going on in my life. its no wonder she doesnt even fucking know im dating someone and have been on and off for a fucking YEAR. i mean c'mon, have u EVER seen a family that pretends to be as close as mine is and thne omit as much info as we do. we walk on eggshells all the time. im surprised i never went to effing therapy or did drugs or something. i mean its truely reached a frightening level of secrecy now. im sick of this bullshit. u know what, if she isnt gona tell me shit, then she snt going to find out shit either. im done this bullshit has gone on too long. fuck it. i hate the crap

ok im fine, i just needed a rant. end of rant.